Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

[MikeSwim07]

A family went to a hospital, where one of their relatives would be having a brain transplant. One of the relatives asked, "What will the cost of a new brain be?" The doctor replied, "A female brain costs $25,000 and a male brain costs $50,000." The men smirked, but one of the females asked, "Why is that, doctor?" "Well," the doctor replied,” the female brain is less because it has been used."

[Beenthere]

Since we are on those jokes.. read this one

When God created Adam, he said "Wow what have I done, you look perfect!". Then he referred to Eve "Oh you... you'll have to use make-up or something"

[MikeSwim07]

[dangerous]

one time a blonde, a redhead, and a redneck wanted to rob a bank.
so the blonde said: lets make a plan every one gets to pick one step only.
the redhead said:we go to the bank and kill the guards
the redneck said:we take all the money
the blonde said: then i pull the alarm!
the all said ok.
the blonde then said: lets carry out the job tommoro because its friday and im off duty that day off.
they went to the bank they killed the guards, stole the money and the blonde raised the alarm.
the police got there and chased them to the alley the redhead jumped in to a trash can filled with dogs and covered the lid, the redneck jumped into a trash can filled with cats, and the blonde jumped into a trash can filled with potatoes.
the police came in the alley and saw three trash cans the hit the first with a baseballbat and the redhead said:meaww.
the hit the seconed can the redhead barked .
the hit the third can and the blonde said:potatoe!!!

[MikeSwim07]

Why is the mistletoe hanging over the baggage counter?” asked the airline passenger, amid the holiday rush. The clerk replied, “It’s so you can kiss your luggage good-bye.”

[Gary R]

An elderly lady actually wrote this letter to her
bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published
in The Times !

Dear Sir,



I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I
endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three
'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and
the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of
course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement
which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be
commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for
debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused
to your bank.



My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.



I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and
letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
overcharging, re-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no
longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must
nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any
other person to open such an envelope.



Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your
chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in
order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me,
there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her
medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory
details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and
liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.



In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which
he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be
shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of
button presses required of me to access my account balance on your
phone bank service.



As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.



Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press
buttons as follows:



1-- To make an appointment to see me.

2-- To query a missing payment.

3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer
is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to
the Authorised Contact.)

8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8

9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be
put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music
will play for the duration of the call.



Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May
I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.



Your Humble Client

Addendum from The Editor:



IMPORTANT to REMEMBER that this letter was written by a lady who is a
98 year old woman.



DOESN'T SHE MAKE YOU PROUD!!!

[chryssi2001]

Very well said!! She makes proud all of us.

We are talking to machines, anywhere we call for a service these days, from banks, to Big Stores, anywhere.

[ndmmxiaomayi]

I'm struggling to understand it.

[Gary R]

I'm struggling to understand it.

Which bit/bits ?

[turtledove]

A wise Lady she be.

[Wingman]

In order to understand...press 47...now

[ndmmxiaomayi]

Unfortunately, pressing 47 doesn't work for me.

The bit which I don't understand is who the lady is addressing. Is it to the bank or to person-in-charge?

Seems to me like there's lots of people involved?

[Gary R]

OK, first of all, despite the opening and closing sentences in my earlier post, I doubt very much that this is a real letter from a real little old lady. It's much more likely to be a construct from someone with too much time and too little to do to fill it.

It's really a parody of the kind of letters that lots of people have received from their bank. Such letters always give the customer a lot of obligations but very few rights, and the bank a lot of rights but very few obligations.

This letter reverses that situation and has the bank jumping through all the hoops they like to have us jumping through . It's the kind of letter we'd all wish we had the time and presence of mind to write, which is what makes it humorous.

In direct answer to your last post, it would be directed to the manager or other senior executive of the bank in question.

Don't worry if it's not funny to you Mayi, sometimes humour doesn't travel well, by which I mean what's funny in England may not be so elsewhere. I once listened in on a joke told in German which had the audience helpless with laughter, but which flew right over my head. I understood the words, but not their meaning in the context of the joke.

[ndmmxiaomayi]

Ah, now I see it.

It would certainly be amusing to see the faces of the bank people having to do so many steps just to get things done.

[muppy03]

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh
blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood & began hassling him
about where he got it. He told them to p!ss off & let him get some
sleep,but they persisted until he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me", he said & flew out of the cave with hundreds of
excited bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went across a river & into a huge forest.

Finally he slowed down & all other bats excitedly milled around him,
tongues hanging out for blood. "Do you see that large oak tree over
there?" he asked.
"YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.



"Good for you!" said the first bat, "Because I *#@king didn't."