Addendum from The Editor:Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I
endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three
'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and
the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of
course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement
which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be
commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for
debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused
to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and
letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
overcharging, re-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no
longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must
nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any
other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your
chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in
order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me,
there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her
medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory
details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and
liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which
he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be
shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of
button presses required of me to access my account balance on your
phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press
buttons as follows:
1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer
is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to
the Authorised Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be
put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music
will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May
I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client
ndmmxiaomayi wrote:I'm struggling to understand it.
Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 90 guests
Contact us:
Advertisements do not imply our endorsement of that product or service. Register to remove all ads. The forum is run by volunteers who donate their time and expertise. We make every attempt to ensure that the help and advice posted is accurate and will not cause harm to your computer. However, we do not guarantee that they are accurate and they are to be used at your own risk. All trademarks are the property of their respective owners.
Member site: UNITE Against Malware