Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

[Susan528]

My hubby emailed it to me from work.

[LostAccount]

This I got from the internet - I know not where from now - so no link.

--------------------------------------

Water or Coke?

We all know that water is important but I've never seen it written down like this before. (From the internet).

WATER...

1. 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated.(Likely applies to half world population)
2. In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is often mistaken for hunger.
3. Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as much as 3%.
4. One glass of water will shut down midnight hunger pains for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a U-Washington study.
5. Lack of water, the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.
6. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.
7. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a printed page.
8. Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer.

Are you drinking the amount of water you should every day?

COKE...

1. In many states (in the USA) the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the truck to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.
2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it will be gone in two days.
3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous China.
4. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a rumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.
5. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.
6. To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.
7. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze
from your windshield.
8. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4days. Phosphoric acid also leaches calcium from bones and is a major contributor to the rising increase in osteoporosis.
9. To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use the Hazardous material place cards reserved for Highly corrosive materials.
10. The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years!

Now the question is, would you like a glass of water or Coke?

http://www.snopes.com/cokelore/acid.asp

[ChrisRLG]

Thanks for that -

[Susan528]

Why doesn't Coca-Cola dissolve aluminium cans?

Coffee is my vice!

[ChrisRLG]

'Malcom' sent some more 'Crazy world' info.

------------------------------

CRAZY WORLD

A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a
woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

********

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting
from Harare to Beltway had escaped. Not wanting to admit his
incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone
waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the
mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very
excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't
discovered for 3 days.

********

An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from
serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how
he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply
trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train
before he was hit.

********

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an
examination to determine the cause of her daughter's swollen abdomen.
It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Your daughter is
pregnant." The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the
doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise
her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window
and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and
screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last
time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise
men came. And I was just checking ...

********

When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at its intended victim
during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would be robber James
Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down
the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

********

The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting
machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his
insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one
of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and
lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

********

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him
something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a
bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large
plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the
cab, then the driver said, Please, don't ever do that again.
You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also
frightened, apologized and said he didn't realise that a tap on the
shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied,
"I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all.
Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse
for the last 25 years.

[NikkJ]

Bill Gates in Afterlife

Bill Gates died.

He was sent to the Afterlife Waiting Room.

He was met by St. Peter, who asked him if he wanted to go to Heaven or Hell, and if he'd like to see them before he decided. Bill said yes, and St. Peter snapped his fingers.

They appeared on a sunny beach, with people dancing, swimming, and playing volleyball. Just basically having a wonderful time. Good food, good music, good people. Bill turns to St. Peter and says, "Wow, Heaven is great!" St. Peter says, "This isn't Heaven, it's Hell. Want to see Heaven?" Mr. Gates nods yes, and they appear in a shady park, with a few old people sitting on benches feeding birds. A gentle breeze blows by, and all is quiet and serene. St. Peter asks Bill, "Well, which would you like?" Bill thinks for a minute, and says, "Well, if this is Heaven, then I'll take Hell."

Instantly, he was plunged up to his neck in red-hot lava, the screams of other tortured souls filling his ears. He looks up, and sees St. Peter in the waiting room. Bill calls out to him, and said, "Hey! What's going on? Where's the beach? The bikini-clad women? The party?"

St. Peter turns from his Macintosh to face Bill, and says, "That was just the demo."

[NikkJ]

The following is a list of undocumented Windows error codes which somehow got overlooked when printing the documentation.

WinErr 001: Windows loaded - System in danger
WinErr 002: No Error - Yet
WinErr 003: Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file
WinErr 004: Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong
WinErr 005: Multitasking attempted - System confused
WinErr 006: Malicious error - Desqview found on drive
WinErr 007: System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware
WinErr 008: Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments
WinErr 009: Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened
WinErr 00A: Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full
WinErr 00B: Inadequate disk space - Free at least 50MB
WinErr 00C: Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More! More!
WinErr 00D: Window closed - Do not look outside
WinErr 00E: Window open - Do not look inside
WinErr 00F: Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened
WinErr 010: Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
WinErr 011: Window open - Do not look outside
WinErr 012: Window closed - Do not look inside
WinErr 013: Unexpected error - Huh ?
WinErr 014: Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
WinErr 018: Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new one. Old Windows licence is not valid anymore.
WinErr 019: User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
WinErr 01A: Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your software. We are terribly sorry.
WinErr 01B: Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that.
WinErr 01C: Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate.
WinErr 01D: System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.
WinErr 01E: Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
WinErr 01F: Reserved for future mistakes of our developers.
WinErr 020: Error recording error codes - Additional errors will be lost.
WinErr 042: Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again.
WinErr 079: Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.
WinErr 103: Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Additional errors may not be displayed or recorded.
WinErr 678: This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
WinErr 683: Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure.
WinErr 815: Insufficient Memory - Only 50,312,583 Bytes available

[ChrisRLG]

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the
heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element has been named "Governmentium." Governmentium has one
neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy
neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are
surrounded by vast quantities of particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be
detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into
contact.. A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take
over four days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but
instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant
neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each
reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that
Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in
concentration.

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass." When
catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium -an element which
radiates just as much energy as the Governmentium since it has half as many
peons but twice as many morons.

[Susan528]

There were two nuns..

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the
convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
The past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he
wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one
minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way
and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do.
I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do.
He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man
with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
Say two Hail Marys!.

[Susan528]

The Donkey

Years ago a boy named Richard bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey to him the next day. But the next day, the farmer drove up in his old truck and told Richard "Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."

Richard replied "Well then, give me my money back."

The farmer said "Can't do that. I spent it already."

Richard said "OK, just bring me the donkey."

The farmer asked "What are you going to do with a dead donkey?"

Richard said "I'm going to raffle him off."

The farmer said "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Richard said "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later the farmer saw with Richard and asked "So, what happened with the dead donkey?"

Richard said "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 a piece and made a profit of $898."

The farmer said "Didn't anyone complain?"

Richard replied "Just the guy who won, so I gave him his $2 back."

Richard grew up and eventually founded HealthSouth.

[Jacee]

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

[ChrisRLG]

he he welcome Jacee.

[ChrisRLG]

A group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their
ailments:

"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee,"
complained another.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a
third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another added.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as
he slowly shook his head.

Then there was a short moment of silence...

"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank goodness we
can all still drive."

[ChrisRLG]

Shamefully copied from Dell

http://forums.us.dell.com/supportforums ... ge.id=1653

================

Letter from a farm kid, now at Paris Island Marine Corps recruit depot:

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 am, but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route marches", which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds, and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Gail

[ChrisRLG]

NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!!!

ALL ARE WELCOME
OPEN TO MEN ONLY


Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:



DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate amongst a panel of experts.

LOSS OF VIRILITY
Losing the remote control to your significant other - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum


DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available