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Crossing the River

Unread postby Susan528 » September 29th, 2005, 8:53 am

Crossing the River

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me the strength and the tools to cross the river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed,"God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross river." Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.


Employee emailed this to my husband. I guess he could handle it!
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Unread postby AndyAtHull » October 12th, 2005, 7:11 pm

And LO! The Lord of the OS did come down among His sheep and He did sayeth, Thou Shalt Pay Bill Gates, and he will deleverith unto you my product.
I am Win95, your GUI. Thou shalt not have false GUI's on machines before me.

And the Lord said, "16 bit applications are evil! I am sorry I ever created them. I shall destroy them all and start over. Thou shalt all buy new computers."

And the prophet Intel came forward and said, "But Lord, what about backwards compatibility? What about the tribes of 8086 and 80286 and 80386?" And Lo! the Lord became angry and said, "Compatibility is irrelevant. You will be assimilated."

And the consumers gathered around Bill Gates and the tower of Microsoft, and they asked, "Prophet, how much must we spend on salvation? Seven times our investment?" And Bill Gates turned to the crowd and he said unto them, "Nay, consumers, you must not spend seven times your investment, but rather seventy times seven times your investment. Only then shall you be saved."

And the consumers did as they were told. But the product did not work, and they grew angry, and they cried out to the Lord, "Lord, we have done as you asked, but the product does not work! Our machines, they run slow! Our applications, they do not run." And the Lord said unto them, "I tell you this, it is easier for Alice Cooper to enter the gates of heaven than for a Pentium to run Windows95."

And as the masses came forward, I saw inscribed upon their heads W95, the Number of the Bill.

And the Prophet Bill, for that is who it must have been, he raised his right hand, and broke the first seal, saying, "Behold, the seal of Microsoft. By the breaking of this seal you are bound unto whatever the contract within may say." And as the seal was broken, all the great empires around the world were set upon with famine and floods and swarms of bugs like never seen before and great anguish befell them all. And lo, the Prophet Bill held up the scroll and said, "Behold, the second seal! I shall not break it today, but rather I shalt break it soon, like perhaps next week, or maybe the week thereafter. Thou shalt wait expectantly for its breaking, shalt not produce any other work until that time shall come."

(Source unknown)

:D :lol: :D :lol:
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Unread postby ChrisRLG » October 26th, 2005, 11:32 am


"The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don''t want to try these techniques at home.".

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience..

"I watched my wife''s routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained.

"She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, ''Hon, why don''t you try carrying several things at once?''".

"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked..

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
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Unread postby Susan528 » November 3rd, 2005, 3:57 pm

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back.! They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8- You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down! , you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

At age 4 success is . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . not peeing in your pants.

Pass this on to someone who could use a laugh.

Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way; BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day.
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Unread postby helperatwork » November 10th, 2005, 4:38 pm

Think you are having a bad day?

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section
of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire.
The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba
tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.

A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns,
but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a
positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine
how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.

It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving
off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters,
seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called
in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was
dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.

You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like
Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke
in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air.
Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.

Still think you're having a bad day?

A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby
in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally
slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars,
was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.

His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband
cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door.
She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on
a fairly large hill, went down the several flights
of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.

While the attendants were loading her husband, the
wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside.
She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with
some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.

After being treated and released, the man returned home,
looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done
to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled
himself with a cigarette while attending to his business.
About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and
her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom
floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks,
legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance.
The same paramedic crew was dispatched.

As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance
they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them.
They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher and dumping
the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.

Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse...

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez
oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two
of the most expensively saved animals were being released back
into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.
A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a bad day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking
frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire
running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending
to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy
plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places.
Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

STILL think you're having a bad day?

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of
sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly,
all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken
fence, stampeding madly.
The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.

What?! STILL having a bad day??

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage
on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it.
Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and
was blown to bits.

There now, feeling better?
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Unread postby amateur » November 10th, 2005, 8:10 pm

No joke, I really thought I was having a bad day today until I read this. Thank You.
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Unread postby Surreal2 » November 15th, 2005, 2:34 pm

A parish priest had become a little too fond of golf. In fact he'd become addicted to the game - to the point where he started setting speed records for Sunday mass so he could rush to the local golf course as soon as possible.

Looking down from heaven one Sunday, St Michael and St Peter spy the priest on the golf course and St Michael says: 'You really should do something about him'.

'You're right', says St Peter, 'I'll teach him a lesson - watch'.

The priest has just reached the tee of the eighth hole - a particularly tricky par 5. He lines up the club and swings. It's a perfect shot...flies for 350 yards before hitting a tree...bounces off and lands just before the tricky water hazard...bounces right over the water and lands on the green...travelling quickly enough to nudge into the hole...the FIRST time ever anyone has hit a hole in one on the eighth.

The priest is ecstatic, dancing little jigs and whooping for joy.

St Michael looks puzzled, turns to St Peter and says: 'How on earth did that teach him a lesson?'

St Peter says: 'Look around...I made sure there was nobody else in sight...just wait until he tries to tell somebody about it'.


A man is worried that his wife is going deaf and seeks advice from the doctor.

The doctor tells him how to test the current state of her hearing.

So the man goes home and as soon as he opens the front door he spots his wife cooking in the kitchen some 30 feet away, with her back towards him. Standing just inside the front door he says in a normal voice: 'Hiya...what's for dinner?' Nothing. His wife doesn't turn round and carries on cooking.

Following the doctor's advice he walks up the hallway until he's about 15 feet from his wife and says again, in a normal voice: 'Hiya...what's for dinner?' Nothing. His wife doesn't turn round and carries on cooking.

So he moves forward until he's at the kitchen doorway - perhaps 8 feet from his wife, and repeats the question again. Still nothing. His wife doesn't turn round and carries on cooking.

So the man, like the doctor said, walks up to his wife until he's standing just behind her, and says again: 'Hiya...what's for dinner?'

This time his wife turns around to face him and says: 'For the FOURTH time it's roast lamb'.
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Satan goes good, or did he?

Unread postby helperatwork » November 15th, 2005, 3:56 pm

Satan gets the last chance to be good again.

On the day when the accounts were being set, satan is given the keys to different rooms and told to give them to people who deserve the designated colour-coded(golden, silver etc) keys according to their deeds on the earth.

He is to interview three women.

The first woman approaches. The satan asks here about her deeds. She replied, "I spent my whole life worshipping god and helping others." The satan hands her the golden keys and tells her the direction to her room.

The second woman approaches. She begins her account,"I have been a good woman. I used to make out time for my prayers and often helped others." The satan hands her the silver keys and shows the direction to her room.

The third woman approaches. The satan questioned her about her actions. The woman said, "I was a prostitute and did all the bad stuff.I was bad to people and loved sex over prayers." The satan looks at her from top to bottom and after some thinking says, "Okay, here are the keys to my room and I will join you in a moment!"
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The Lifeboat

Unread postby Susan528 » November 15th, 2005, 4:37 pm

The lifeboat

Three men, a preacher, a doctor, and a lawyer were on a cruise when the ship began to sink so they grabbed the nearest lifeboat and were adrift in the ocean. Unfortunately the lifeboat would only hold two people. They approached a deserted island and the waters were infested with sharks. They determined that one of them would have to swim for the island.

The preacher said that he had saved many souls on earth and that he should be allowed to stay in the lifeboat to be rescued there.

The doctor said that he had saved many lives and that he had many more to save so he should be allowed to stay in the lifeboat.

The preacher and the doctor both turned and stared at the lawyer. To their utter amazement, the lawyer jumped out of the lifeboat and started swimming for the island. They watched the sharks veer towards the lawyer but all of the sudden the sharks veered away and left the lawyer swimming.

The doctor said to the lawyer, “That’s the strangest case of professional courtesy I have ever seen!â€
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Unread postby ChrisRLG » May 2nd, 2006, 6:27 am

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on
display, when another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper,
"I'll have a "C" monkey please."

The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and
took out a monkey. "That'll be $5,000."

The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist
went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey.
Why did it cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can programme in C - very
fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more
expensive! $10,000! What does it do?"

"Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming,
Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said the

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in
a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped
to the shopkeeper," That one costs more than all the others put together!
What on earth does it do?"

The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything,
but the other monkeys call him the Management consultant."
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Unread postby Vino Rosso » May 5th, 2006, 4:25 am

By the time the sailor got into town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded at the last hotel.
"Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force pilot," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost.
But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in the rooms next door have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Navy man assured him, "I'll take it."

The next morning the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring?" "Nope, I quietened him in no time," replied the Navy guy. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the sailor explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and
said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
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Unread postby Vino Rosso » May 15th, 2006, 7:22 am

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death. The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur' s life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding. The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beau tiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?

The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way.... things are going to get ugly
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Unread postby ChrisRLG » May 19th, 2006, 9:37 am

Thanks to Malcolm for the email of this :)


A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for
people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. These
were voted the top ten quotes from the Dilberts who inhabit our world ...

"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using
individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and
employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning
quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA)
"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might
encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)

"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used
only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important
interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." (Plant
Manager, Delco Corporation)

"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been
working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you
know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and
Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told
my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on
the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to
Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to
discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines
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Unread postby Vino Rosso » May 24th, 2006, 12:07 pm

Blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. "What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but we had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World."
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Unread postby Sailbad the Sinner » May 24th, 2006, 8:31 pm

Here's a few from my daughter:

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?

I've sure gotten old.! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But,
thank God, I still have my driver's license.

A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor's office and! says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." "Sir," replied the doctor, "you're 97 Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?" "You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."

Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.!

Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.


:D :lol:
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