Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

[deltalima]

Antivirus pioneer John McAfee is wanted by the Police for murder charges.

If they catch him they estimate the trial could last 30 days...

[Gary R]

Grooooooan

[NonSuch]

He sold his company quite some time ago. No doubt he's screwed his brain up with drugs.

[Gary R]

DOG FOR SALE




A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.

The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.




"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.




"Yes," the Labrador replies.




After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."




The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years".




"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals".




"Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."


The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

"Ten quid," the owner says.

"£10!!? But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"


"Because he's a lying ba**ard, he's never been out of the garden."

[NonSuch]

[Wingman]

[Slim Nelson]

A clearly inebriated and naked woman jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? - Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady – I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from."

The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or ass sweetie, what are you doing then?"

He paused for a moment, then told her..."Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, 'Vair in da hell is dis lady keepin de money to pay for dis ride?

[muppy03]

what do you call a fake noodle................................????????????????????????????




AN IMPASTA


oh my..

[NonSuch]

[Wingman]

Oh muppy!

Nice to see ya!

[Gary R]

Hi muppy, good to see you ......... even if you should be shot for telling a joke like that.

[NonSuch]

Now, Gary... you know she can't help it. Have you forgotten that she's Australian?

[Gary R]

You know I never hold people's place of habitation against them. I mean you're from California, and I never mention that, now do I ?

Besides, if I mention Australia, I'd have to mention the Ashes as well, and that would look like I was crowing.

No, I'm far too tactful ever to do that.

[NonSuch]

You know I never hold people's place of habitation against them. I mean you're from California, and I never mention that, now do I ?

[Gary R]

Nice smiley

It's a good job you're not from Lancashire or you'd need a truck load of them.