Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

[ellipse]

http://www.nouptime.com/

I'll recommend these excellent people to my friends.

[ndmmxiaomayi]

http://www.nouptime.com/

I'll recommend these excellent people to my friends.

I hope you are not serious about it.

[ellipse]

http://www.nouptime.com/

I'll recommend these excellent people to my friends.

I hope you are not serious about it.

Nope!

Even if I tried, they'd figure it out too quickly.

[koud3lka]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of
babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,
um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we
can get to work."
"Tripod?????"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's
fainted!!"

[Dakeyras]

Amusing double-entandre's and a wee bit close to the unacceptable, but funny non the less

[Gary R]

For those of you who have to deal with PICNIC cases, here's a good one.

My thanks to Blender who posted a link to it at TSF.

http://designerlady.com/Pages/TooStupid.html

[melboy]

[Dakeyras]

An Australian , an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He is so familiar and not recognising him is driving them mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets Go, the man's eyes widen in shock. 'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, 'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit'.

[chryssi2001]

'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit'.

[Wingman]

I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing.
And, I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do".

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??" So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads.
She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?"
I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to bed.

The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store... I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them.
She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK. And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you ...she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared.
I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.
She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now."
You should have seen her face ... it went completely blank.
I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."

I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the Spring thaw.

[Zoidberg500]

I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much

Isn't it mainly because of a higher level of testosterone, which gives men a quicker sex drive?


A brown paper bag goes to the doctor, 'Help I'm HIV positive'.

The doctors response, 'Your father must have been a carrier'.

[Cyborg]

Two men were on a boat in the middle of the sea. They started talking about their miseries.

The first said, "My life really sucks, I lost everything because a fire broke out".
The second said "Yeah man, I too lost everything because of a damn flood".

The first replied, "Damn man, I pity you, so what the hell did you do to cause a flood?"

[tequesta]

If your American standing in the living room, and your American standing in the kitchen. What are you when your standing in the bathroom?




Your-a-peeing

[ellipse]

If your American standing in the living room, and your American standing in the kitchen. What are you when your standing in the bathroom?




Your-a-peeing

. . .*sniff*. . .

I guess it only works for half the American population. . .

[joetraff]

Two men were on a boat in the middle of the sea. They started talking about their miseries.

The first said, "My life really sucks, I lost everything because a fire broke out".
The second said "Yeah man, I too lost everything because of a damn flood".

The first replied, "Damn man, I pity you, so what the hell did you do to cause a flood?"