Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

One day, in line at the cafeteria, Bob says to Stanley behind him,
"My elbow hurts like everything. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Stan replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a
urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do
about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper
than a doctor."

So Bob deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to
Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and
asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and
waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack
began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some
tap.water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife
and daughter, and some water out of his favorite fishing hole for
good measure.

Bob hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He
deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and waits. The
computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab...

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop fishing, your elbow will never get better.

And, as always, thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart


(Copied from a topic at http://www.tomcoyote.org posted by Tom Coyote himself)

The local Christian leaders committee had finish talking about the towns problems.

The Catholic Priest went over to the Methodist Minister and Church of England Vicar and heard them talking about a fishing trip.

Being new to the area the priest had not made many friends so decided to ask if he could come along and they agreed.

So the next Wednesday when they all had their day off, very early they went and met at the local fishing lake.

The minister left the food bags beside a tree and they all got into the small rowing boat and they rowed into the middle of the lake to fish.

About 11am the vicar said to the minister that is was about time for their 11 a'clock snack, the minister said OK stood up stepped out of the boat and walked across the water to the bank, picked up one bag and walked back to the boat.

The priest was astounded. But did not say anything as the vicar just took it as a normal event.

At about 1pm the minister said - Lunch time - the vicar said OK stood up stepped out of the boat and walked across the water to the bank, picked up one bag and walked back to the boat.

The priest was doubly astounded and wondered if he had as much faith.

At about 3 pm the minister said OK after noon tea time.

The priest quickly stood up, said OK my turn, stepped out of the boat, and immediately sank under the water.

The vicar said to the minister, I told you we should have told him where the stepping stones were.

Never Underestimate the Power of GOD.
==========================
Copied from 'Grace' magazine. A TRUE story, from the newsletter published by St.Mary's Church Greenhithe.

==============

A paster has kitten that climbed up a tree in his back garden and then was afraid to come down. The paster coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. to no avail. The kitten would not budge. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the paster decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could reach up and get the kitten.

He did all this, checking his progress in the car frequently, then figured - if he went just a little further the tree would bend sufficiently. But as he moved a little further forward the rope broke. The tree went 'Boing' and the kitten instantly sailed through the air - out of sight! The paster felt terrible, he walked all over the neighbourhood asking if they'd seen a little kitten, but nobody had. So he prayed 'Lord, I commit this kitten into your keeping,' and went on about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store and met one of his church members. He happened to glance in her shopping trolley and was amazed to see some cat food. Now this woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her 'why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?'

She replied 'Well you won't believe this,' and told him how here little girl had been begging for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days earlier the child had begged again so the mother finally told her 'well if GOD gives you a cat I'll let you keep it.' She told the paster, 'I watched my child go out in the garden, go down on her knees and ask GOD for a cat. And really paster you won't believe this but I saw it with my own eyes, a kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky with it's paws outspread and landed right in front of her.

Who says the Creator doesn't have a sense of humour ?

Words that don't exist... But should

AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, or running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow remove all the germs.

ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

Copied from a post by Micah_6:8 at http://www.tomcoyote.org )

Microsoft vs. General Motors


For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way
computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent
computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer
industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had
kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be
driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon"

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft,
we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics" (and I

just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to
buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You
would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of
the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before
you could continue. For some reason you would simply
accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause
your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case
you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but
would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all
be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal
Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out
and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the
door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn
how to drive all over again because none of the controls
would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10.You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

(Copied from a post by little eagle at http://www.tomcoyote.org )

Prayer Positions

Three ministers were talking about prayer in general and the appropriate and effective position for prayer.

As they were talking, a telephone repairman was working on the phone system in the background.

One minister shared that he felt the key was in the hands. He always held his hands together and pointed them upward as a form of symbolic worship.

The second minister suggested that real prayer was conducted on your knees.

The third suggested that they both had it wrong--the only position worth its salt was to pray while stretched out flat on your face.

By this time the phone man couldn't stay out of the conversation any longer.

He interjected:

"I found that the most powerful prayer I ever made was while I was dangling upside down by my heels from a power pole, suspended forty feet above the ground."

(Copied from a post by FZWG at http://www.tomcoyote.org )

A man staggered home late after another evening with his drinking buddies. Shoes in his left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstaris bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.

A whisky bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing to supress a yelp, the man sprung up, pulled down his pants, and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway, then managed to find a large full box of Band-aids and proceeded to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw blood.
After hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle and stumble his way to bed.

In the morning, the man awoke with searing pain in his head and butt and his wife staring at him from accross the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night." Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked at her meekly and replied, "Now, hon, why would you say such a mean thing?"

"Well", she said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly......it's all those Band-aids stuck on the downstairs mirror!"

***********************

He was sitting quietly reading the paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a rolled up magazine.

"Ouch! What was that for?" he asked. "That was for the piece of paper in your pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it" she replied.

"Two weeks ago I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained. "Oh honey. I'm so sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with an iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, "Now what was that for?"

She replied, "Your horse just called."

(Copied from a post by blender at http://www.tomcoyote.org )

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.

He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"

He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.

He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"


(Copied from a post by Ingrid_Cold at http://www.tomcoyote.org )

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
_______________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
_______________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_______________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
_______________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_______________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
_______________________________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
_______________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_______________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
_______________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
_______________________________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
_______________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
_______________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
_______________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
_______________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_______________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
_______________________________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
_______________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

_______________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
_______________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

(Copied from a post by alsocom at http://www.tomcoyote.org )

Good Question--check this out.



With the problems being encountered by Windows users all across the country, people are beginning to ask themselves if windows is a virus. In response to the high demand for an answer to that question a study was done and concluded the following.



1. Viruses replicate quickly.

Windows does this.



2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so.

Windows does this.



3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk.

Windows does this.



4. Viruses are usually carried, unkown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems.

Windows does that too.



5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware.

Same with Windows, yet again.



Maybe Windows really is a virus.



Nope! There is a difference!



Viruses are well supported by their authors, are frequently updated, and tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. So there! Windows is not a virus.

Did you hear about the snail that got beat up by two turtles?
The police officer investigating the crime asked the snail, did you get a good look at the turtles that did this? The snail replied, no, it all happened so fast!

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly,
the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant
you one wish,"

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I
want." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of
the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports
required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it
would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard
for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more
time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I
wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels
inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she
cries, what she means when she say nothing's wrong, and how I can make a
woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

(Copied from a post by Jacee at http://www.tomcoyote.org )

As she stood in front of her 5th grade class on the very first day of school, she told the children an untruth. Like most teachers, she looked at her students and said that she loved them all the same. However, that was impossible, because there in the front row, slumped in his seat, was a little boy named Teddy Stoddard. Mrs. Thompson had watched Teddy the year before and noticed that he did not play well with the other children, that his clothes were messy and that he constantly needed a bath. In addition, Teddy could be unpleasant.

It got to the point where Mrs. Thompson would actually take delight in marking his papers with a broad red pen, making bold X’s and then putting a big “F” at the top of his papers.
At the school where Mrs. Thompson taught, she was required to review each child’s past records and she put Teddy’s off until last. However, when she reviewed his file, she was in for a surprise.

Teddy’s first grade teacher wrote, “Teddy is a bright child with a ready laugh. He does his work neatly and has good manners... he is a joy to be around.”

His second grade teacher wrote, “Teddy is an excellent student, well liked by his classmates, but he is troubled because his mother has a terminal illness and life at home must be a struggle.”

His third grade teacher wrote, “His mother’s death has been hard on him. He tries to do his best, but his father doesn’t show much interest and his home life will soon affect him if some steps aren’t taken.”

Teddy’s fourth grade teacher wrote, “Teddy is withdrawn and doesn’t show much interest in school. He doesn’t have many friends and he sometimes sleeps! in class.”

By now, Mrs. Thompson realized the problem and she was ashamed of herself. She felt even worse when her students brought her Christmas presents, wrapped in beautiful ribbons and bright paper, except for Teddy’s. His present was clumsily wrapped in the heavy, brown paper that he got from a grocery bag. Mrs. Thompson took pains to open it in the middle of the other presents. Some of the children started to laugh when she found a rhinestone bracelet with some of the stones missing, and a bottle that was one-quarter full of perfume. But she stifled the children’s laughter when she exclaimed how pretty the bracelet was, putting it on, and dabbing some of the perfume on her wrist.
Teddy Stoddard stayed after school that day just long to say, “Mrs. Thompson, today you smelled just like my Mom used to.”
After the children left, she cried for at least an hour.

On that very day, she quit teaching reading, writing and arithmetic. Instead, she began to teach children. Mrs. Thompson paid particular attention to Teddy. As she worked with him, his mind seemed to come alive. The more she encouraged him, the faster he responded.
By the end of the year, Teddy had become one of the smartest children in the class and, despite her lie that she would love all the children the same, Teddy became one of her “teacher’s pets.”

A year later, she found a note under her door, from Teddy, telling her that she was still the best teacher he ever had in his whole life.

Six years went by before she got another note from Teddy. He then wrote that he had finished high school, third in his class, and she was still the best teacher he ever had in his whole life.

Four years after that, she got another letter, saying that while things had been tough at times, he’d stayed in school, had stuck with it, and would soon graduate from college with the highest of honors. He assured Mrs. Thompson that she was still the best and favorite teacher he had ever had in his whole life.

Then four more years passed and yet another letter came. This time he explained that after he got his bachelor’s degree, he decided to go a little further. The letter explained that she was still the best and favorite teacher he ever had. But now his name was a little longer.... the letter was signed, Theodore F. Stoddard, MD.

The story does not end there. You see, there was yet another letter that spring. Teddy said he had met this girl and was going to be married. He explained that his father had died a couple of years ago and he was wondering if Mrs. Thompson might agree to sit at the wedding in the place that was usually reserved for the mother of the groom.
Of course, Mrs. Thompson did. And guess what? She wore that bracelet, the one with several rhinestones missing. Moreover, she made sure she was wearing the perfume that Teddy remembered his mother wearing on their last Christmas together.
They hugged each other, and Dr. Stoddard whispered in Mrs.
Thompson’s ear, “Thank you Mrs. Thompson for believing in me. Thank you so much for making me feel important and showing me that I could make a difference.”
Mrs. Thompson, with tears in her eyes, whispered back. She said, “Teddy, you have it all wrong. You were the one who taught me that I could make a difference. I didn’t know how to teach until I met you.”
Warm someone’s heart today. . . pass this along. I love this
story so very much, I cry every time I read it. Just try to make a difference
in someone’s life today? tomorrow? just “do it”

Author Unknown...

A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her

Christmas cards. "What denomination?" asked the clerk.

"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman.

"Well, give me 50 Catholic and 50 Baptist ones."

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was

very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money

and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So

he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his

wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you

can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the

angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.

The angel reappears and informs the man that God has

decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him.

Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it

with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of

Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase

says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission

and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough,

St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You

are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its

contents before letting it through."

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items

that the man found too precious to leave behind and

exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"