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nocluejoe
A few Puns I thought were cute.
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine .
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Vino Rosso
A man has tickets for the 2010 World Cup final. After he has been sitting in his seat for a few minutes, the man in the seat behind him taps him on the shoulder and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No," he says. "The seat is empty."
"Absolutely incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, one of the great sporting events, and not use it?"
"Well actually," he says, "the seat belonged to my wife. She was supposed to come with me but she passed away. This is the first World Cup final we haven't been to together since we got married."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," replies the man. "That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else to take the seat? A friend or relative, or even a neighbour?"
The man shakes his head and says, "No, they're all at the funeral."
bitpusher
This rope walks into a bar. The bartender leans over & says "we don't serve rope here," so the rope turns & heads out the door. The rope sees another rope heading into the bar, so he tells the other rope "they don't serve rope here, you better move along." The second rope says "nah, just watch me," and he twists himself all up and ruffles his ends, and walks into the bar. Sure enough, the bartender leans over, but is a bit confused so he asks "aren't you a rope?" The second rope just says "Nope, I'm a frayed knot!"
Haider
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece
Vino Rosso
My neighbour offered me eight legs of venison at a special price of €50 for Christmas but I'm wondering if that's too dear.
muppy03
did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.
Deleted Member
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
SPOOL44
3 guys walking down the street 2 of them walk into a bar third guy ducks
daveyb
Following the invasion of Britain around 153BC, the Romans discovered that there were two major factions working against them.. The Gaelic, to the north, were eventually contained by Hadrian's Wall, but the Celts to the west proved harder to contain. The mountainous and undulating countryside was not conducive to wall-building, so they had to be content with watch towers on the hill tops, spaced garrisons and frequent patrols.
One such patrol approached the top of a hill in the early hours of the morning, and were confronted by a valley before them, filled with mist! The Legionnaire halted the patrol and sent two men down into the mist to explore. After a minute or so, there was a loud clash of metal on metal and then silence!
A voice drifted up from within the mist: "Romans! I know you are up there, know you this! One Welshman is better than ten Romans!"
The Legionnaire mustered a cohort of ten of his best fighters and sent them down into the mist. The sounds of battle died out quickly, and again the voice rang out: "One Welshman is better than fifty Romans!"
The Legionnaire decided that this was the ultimate insult, so he ordered up a full Century of men (100) and sent them down into the mist with orders to search and destroy! The battle continued for almost 5 minutes before silence ensued, then the voice came back out of the mist: "You cheated, but no matter, one Welshman is better than five hundred Romans!"
The Legionnaire was beside himself, but just then a single lone figure was seen crawling back up out of the mist. Roman guards ran down and brought him to the Legionnaire, identifying him as one of the Century that had marched into the mist. Exasperated, the Legionnaire demanded "what have you to report?"
The man replied "Don't go down there sir, it's a trap! There are TWO of them down there!!!"
Basementgeek
Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship.
He sends a signal: “Change your course 10 degree east.”
The light signals back: “Change yours, 10 degrees west.”
Angry, the captain sends: “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!”
“I’m a seaman, second class,” comes the reply. “Change your course, sir.”
Now the captain is furious. “I’m a battleship! I’m not changing course!”
here is one last reply.
“I’m a lighthouse. Your call.”
BG
daveyb
A Police officer in Arizona pulled over a biker for a "slight" excess of the speed limit. The biker pulled in and the officer approached and asked the biker for his name. The biker replied "Fred".
The officer asked for the last name and was told that the biker had lost it. Slightly confused, the officer asked for details, to which the biker replied "it's a long story, but if you have time?" The officer was due to go off shift in a half hour or so, so he allotted the time ....
The biker explained: "I was born as Fred Johnson, and was a bright, aspiring student. I tore through High School, then college, then university and emerged as a doctor of Medicine, so I became Fred Johnson, MD"
He continued "I became bored with this, and so returned to college and pursued my real dream, dentistry! I went through University and earned my degrees and so became Fred Johnson, MD, DDS"
The biker continued: "Once again I became bored and started to associate with my assistant, but broke that off after she gave me VD. That made the pinnacle of my carer, Fred Johnson, MD, DDS with VD. After that, things went down hill quickly - the ADA found out about the VD and revoked my DDS, so I became Fred Johnson MD with VD. Soon after that, the AMA found out about the ADA revoking my DDS and they revoked my MD.
He added:"I became Fred Johnson, with VD. Shortly after that, the VD removed the Johnson and I became simply Fred"
The officer tore up the ticket and walked away, with tears in his eyes from laughing!!
daveyb
I'm sorry for linking off site, but this one is required reading! Kleenex is recommended for mopping up the tears!
http://hooniverse.com/2012/09/24/truth-in-advertising-hazard-fraught-tools/
Now that's a FAN! 
I love that.
