Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

A man was in a bad accident and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the loss of both ears, which made him very self-conscious. However, he received a large sum of money from his insurance company.

It was always his dream to own his own business, so he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The last question of the interview was always the same.

"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the first candidate.

"Yes. You have no ears."

He quickly eliminated the first candidate.

"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the second candidate.

"Yes. You have no ears."

He quickly eliminated the second candidate.

"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the third candidate.

"Yes. You're wearing contacts."

Thinking he had found the man for the job he said, "That's correct. How did you know?"

"You can't wear glasses if you don't have any freakin' ears."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical
malfunction disabled all of aircraft's electronic navigation and communication
equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his
position or course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritted
sign and held it in the helicopter's window.
The sign said "WHERE AM I"? in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large
sign an held it in a building window. The sign said, "YOU ARE IN A
HELICOPTER".
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steer
to SEATAC ( Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE
IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, "
I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because they gave me a
technically correct but completely useless answer".

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops
into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the
Madam, drops down $500 and says,
"I want your ugliest woman and a ham sandwich!!!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you
could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm
homesick."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

Nice ones

I cant remember if i have posted this before. if so im sorry

If not here, you did in another site because i remember it

Think it looks a little like Gary

runs and hides in the chocolate room >>>>>>>>>>>>>

It was early morning at the military base, and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:

"Ames" "Here!" "Jenson" "Here!" "Jones" "Here!" "Magersky" "Here!" "Seeback"

No answer.

"Seeback!"

No answer was heard again.

"SEEBACK!!!" The troops remained totally silent.

At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant's ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.

and he was a sergeant ...

A man with a gun went into a bank and demanded all of the money. Once he was given the money, he turned to a customer and asked, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."
The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.


He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"


The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did."

hehe nice way to get rid of her

When I die I would like to die like my grandfather did Quietly and peaceful in his sleep

Not screaming and Yelling like the passengers in his car

funny, is it this they call black humor?

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted:
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied: "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

This is not intended to belittle our beautiful and intelligent blond members

Magic Mirror
There was this bar and in the bar there was a magic mirror.
If you told a lie it would suck you in.
One day a brunette walked into this bar.
She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.

The next day a redhead walked into the bar.
She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.

Then the next day a blond walked into the bar.
She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think...' and it sucked her in.

A woman is on her death bed and her husband is by her side. She says honey now that I am dying I want you to open the locker at the foot of the bed. He gets the key from her and opens the locker. Inside he finds three ears of corn and $100,000 dollars. He brings them to his wife and says honey what is with the ears of corn? She says husband I am so sorry but I cheated on you and every time I did I put an ear of corn in the box. He says oh dear I forgive you! Where did the $100,000 come from? She says well every time I got a bushel I sold it.

Bumper stickers 01

I love animals, they taste great.

EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

He who laughs last thinks slowest!

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.