Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out.

So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."

God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."

God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to help them keep going.


Do you know what the E-mail said?
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Just wondering, I didn't get one either......

Mine somehow wound up in the spam box ...

I borrowed this one.

SPEEDING DRIVER

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers,a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five very old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand. I just came from a pub party and was doing exactly the speed limit! What's the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding but you should know that driving slower than the limit can also be a danger to others." "Slower than the speed limit? No, sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... 22 MPH!" the old woman says, a bit proudly.

The officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanks the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... is everyone in this car O.K.? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off route 119.

Good joke there Jacee

Bertha

Subject: Forgive Your Enemies

Sunday's sermon was: Forgive Your Enemies

Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly Lady.

"Mrs. Jones?"; "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight” she replied.

"Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how
a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the
world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the
congregation and said "I outlived them." :wink:

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill.

Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore.

They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic."

The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved. The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was sitting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill.

The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent?

The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."

The First Children

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces and nephews, or students' here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was:

"Don't"

How celibacy begins.

Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling.
Take celibacy. This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by
environmental factors.
While attending a marriage encounter weekend, Garry and Mary listened to
the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the
things that are important to each other."
He addressed the men. "Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite
flower?"
Garry leaned over, touched Mary's arm gently and whispered,
"It's the white, self-raising brand, isn't it?"

Thus began Garry's life of celibacy.

Bertha

No offence to any Catholics here......

A Catholic lady went to her church to pray one day.
The priest entered some time later, and from the back he saw this lady praying.

So he called out in a loud voice, "I am the Lord!"

The lady ignored him and continued praying.

The priest then called out again, a bit louder than before, "I am the Lord!!"
His voice resounded around the building, and eventually the echoes does down.

Once again, the lady ignored him and continued to pray.

So the priest tried a third time. "I AM THE LORD!!!!" he boomed. His voice resounded around the building and eventually all was quiet again.

The lady turned round and looked at him.

"Will you shut up?" she said, "I'm having a word with your mother!"

General info for those who do not know the Canvey, South Essex, UK area.

It is a small island which is heavy populated. It has just one access to and from the mainland. Because of this the housing is much cheaper on that Island than in the sorrounding area, so attracts those who are less able to purchase more expensive housing.

I have seen this email adjusted for wording to reflect various areas of the world, not just Canvey.

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"A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit in the
early hours of Monday 31st March 2003. Epicentre: Canvey Island, Essex.

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering "fockin mentoe" and "innit". The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately GBP30.00 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish Costa's were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giro arrived.

Essex News reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Canvey. One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said " It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two: Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Kilroy the next morning."

Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime did carry on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, which include benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing, parcels for those unfortunate to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after, items most needed include: Fila or Burberry baseball caps, Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers), Shell suits (female) White sport socks, Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Primark. Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include Microwave meals, tins of baked beans, ice cream and cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew. 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms, GBP2.00 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9, GBP5.00 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

Please do not send tents for shelter, as the sight of posh housing is unfair."

What's the difference between a blonde and a shopping trolley?

















A shopping trolley has a mind of it's own .

Pastor and his donkey!

A pastor wanted to raise money for his church and, on being told there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to buy one and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He thought that since he had it he might as well go ahead and entered it in the race and, much to his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the local paper carried this headline:

PASTOR'S ASS SHOWS

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get
rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The Local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars. The next day, the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. Headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The Bishop was buried the next day.

Susan where did you get that one from,

Bertha