Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Prevent someone from stealing your slippers.

A man walks into a bar in London and ordered 3-glasses of beer
and sits in the backyard of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in
turn.

When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders 3 more.
The bartender asks him, "You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the
glass; it would taste better if you buy one at a time."

The man replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
Dubai, the other in Canada and I'm here in London.

When they left home, we promised that we'll drink this way to remember
the days when we drank together.

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.

The man became a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He order 3-Beers and drinks them in turn.

One day, he came in and ordered only 2-Beers All the other regulars
notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says,"
I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my sincere
condolences on your great loss. "

The man looked confused for a moment, then he laughs .... "Oh, no,"
he, said, "Everyone's fine - both my brothers are alive" .

The only thing is
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I just quit drinking!!!

Have you ever sat on a plane, next to an irritating seatmate who keeps
talking to you and snooping at everything you are reading?

Next time just follow these simple instructions, and get ready to
enjoy your well-earned privacy:

1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.

2. Remove your laptop and open it.

3. Start up.

4. Make sure the annoying guy can clearly see the screen.

5. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky - take a very deep
breath

6. Click on the following web address:


http://boortz.com/mp3/archive/countdown.swf


7. Watch him go white.

Oh Gary nice idea!

Good idea... but free lodging doesn't sound good to me.

Warning
Due to over feeding
some pigeons might
become aggressive

Two jokes.

1. How do you fit 200 babies into a mini?






















With a blender.

2.

Tech support: Hello sir. How may I help you.

Man: Er, I'm tring to type my password into my computer but some dots are comming up instead.

Oh and how can I forget this:



Mean I know

@ god0fgod

Very nice ones!!

A company, feeling it was time for a shapeup, hires a new CEO. The new CEO is determined to get rid of all unproductive workers in the company. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a young chap leaning on a wall and relaxing.

The room is full of workers who were busy working, except for this guy. The CEO decides to let his staff know that he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week.........Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $600 in cash and screams, "Here's two weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!". Surprised and in fear, the guy immediately leaves.

Feeling pretty good about having fired his first worker, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me which department that worker belonged to?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "He was the Pizza Delivery guy from Domino's."

Nice one! Where is that company? I'll go to deliver pizza too!

Domino.

We have Domino pizza here, but not the same boss!!

Here are the best prank calls I have ever heard.

http://godofgod.co.uk/videos/view_video.php?id=44

http://godofgod.co.uk/videos/view_video.php?id=45

Have you heard of Mr Santa Singh applying to a medical school to
become a doctor?

Needless to say he never made it. You know why?

These are the answers he wrote in his entrance exam.

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Antibody - against everyone

Artery - The study of the paintings.

Bacteria - back door to a cafeteria.

Caesarean section - a district in Rome.

Cardiology - advance study of poker playing.

Cat scan - searching for lost kitty.

Chronic - neck of a crow.

Coma - punctuation mark.

Cortisone - area around local court.

Cyst - short for sister.

Diagnosis - person with slanted nose.

Dilate - the late British Princess Diana.

Dislocation - in this place.

Duodenum - couple in blue jeans.

Enema - not a friend.

Fake labour - pretending to work.

Genes - blue denim.

Hernia - she is close by.

Impotent - distinguished/well known.

Labour pain - hurt at work.

Lactose - people without toes.

Lymph - walk unsteadily.

Microbes - small dressing gown.

Obesity - city of Obe.

Pacemaker - winner of Nobel peace prize.

Proteins - in favour of teens.

Pulse - grain.

Pus - small cat.

Red blood count - Dracula.

Secretion - hiding anything.

Tablet - small table.

Ultrasound - radical noise.

Urine - opposite of you're out.

Varicose - very close.