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Vino Rosso
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots
review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that
ground crews lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots
(marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by
maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had a fatal
accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
Vino Rosso
A guy calls a company and orders their 5 day/10 lb. Weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but pair of
Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second
thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing,
he finally catches her and has his way with her.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing
happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost
10lb. As promised.
He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 lb program. The next
day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning,
Beautiful and sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign round her
neck that reads: "If you catch me you can have me." Well, he's out the
door after her like a shot!
This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her;
but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze,
so for the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his
delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has
lost another 20lb.
As promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50
lb program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone - "This is our most
rigorous program."
Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years." The next
day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds this huge,
muscular, 7ft bloke standing there wearing nothing but pink running
shoes and a sign around his neck that reads: "I'm Nigel . If I catch
you, you're mine..."
blackmirror
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, ''Can I help you?''
''Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines.''
blackmirror
A blonde was rollerblading with her headphones on. She stopped at the hair salon and asked for a hair cut, but instructed that the hairstylist could not take the headphones off.
After a while, the blonde appeared to have fallen asleep in the chair, so the stylist removed the headphones and the blonde dropped dead!
Confused at what happened, the hairstylist tried on the headphones and heard, "Breath in, breath out..."
Bio-Hazard
An old county doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.
"Hit him again," the child said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!!"
Bio-Hazard
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room.
He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing.
The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"
The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing.
Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb."
The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.
The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"
Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
Vino Rosso
Walter's Problem Page
Dear Walter:
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my
husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a
few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car
shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of
the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes,
and he was wearing my make up.
I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.
When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie
because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make up,
he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him.
He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling
increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him
the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant.
I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?
Sincerely, Mrs. Sheila Usk.
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding
the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches
solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty,
causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
I hope this helps.
Walter
blackmirror
Once upon a time, there was a very intelligent horse.
The owner asked a mathematician to teach the horse.
When the mathematician taught the horse arithmetic, it learned it with no problem.
When the mathematician taught the horse algebra, it found it very simple.
When the mathematician taught the horse Euclidean geometry, it breezed its way through.
But no matter what the mathematician tried, he could not get the horse to learn any Analytic geometry.
So, the mathematician went to the owner and said, "I've taught the horse, arithmetic, algebra and Euclidean geometry, and it learned them all. But when I tried to teach it Analytic geometry, it simply refused to learn. Any idea why?"
The owner replied, "You can't put Descartes before the horse."
Bio-Hazard
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, "Now you have everything."
