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Unread postby Angoid » April 27th, 2005, 8:21 am

Sorry folks, just couldn't resist this.....

How can you prove gravity exsists?

Take a heavy object and hold it 2 metres above your right foot.
Release the object.
If it moves in a vertically downwards direction, thus hitting your foot, you know that gravity exists. The nerves in your foot will send signals to your brain telling your mouth to make this 'Owwwww' sound.

Can you bend light?

Yes. Anyone got a spacetime singularity to hand, and I'll show you (I knew you'd get sucked in).

How do you differ between rubbish and modern art?

You don't :)

Whats really at Area 51?

If I told you, I'd have to shoot you afterwards.

Will Microsft ever make an OS that doesn't crash?

I think we all know the answer to that one ;)

Are we being watched?

It depends. The probability of someone watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your actions.
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Unread postby Bertha » April 27th, 2005, 8:28 am

Hey Angoid,

Thanks for answering some of the questions!! :D

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Unread postby Angoid » April 27th, 2005, 8:30 am

You're welcome .... let's hope others will join in the fun...

And another one ....

Why does tomorrow never come?

I do know the answer to that, but I'll post it tomorrow.

:D

How about this?

The difference between an accountant and a psychiatrist is that one counts money while the other counts marbles.
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Unread postby ChrisRLG » April 27th, 2005, 8:36 am

The difference between an accountant and a psychiatrist is that one counts money while the other counts marbles.


I'm an accountant - why does the Psychiatrist count money ?
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Unread postby Bertha » April 29th, 2005, 7:27 am

Hey heres some one liners I found on the Net

A fly without wings... would it be called a walk?
Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?
Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
Do Quarter Horses have only one leg?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as '4's'?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
How come 'abbreviated' is such a long word?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
How does the guy who drives the snow plow get to work in the mornings?
How many babies can a motherboard have?
How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb? (Steven Wright)
If a cow laughs hard, does milk come out its nose?
If a train-station is where a train stops, so what is a workstation?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know? (Steven Wright)
If bulls have horns, why do they MOO instead of honk?
If nothing sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
If 'Q' were castrated, would he become 'O'?
If Superman could stop bullets with his chest, why did he always duck when someone threw a gun at him?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a restaurant. (Snoopy)
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? (Steven Wright)
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see okay? (John Mendoza)
In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in the proper order then why can't he?
Is boneless chicken considered an invertebrate?
Is it OK to use my AM radio after noon?
Isn't Disney World a people trap run by a mouse?
Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
Law of Reruns: If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode.
Light travels faster than sound. Is that why some people appear intelligent until you hear them speak?
So what's the speed of dark?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
What do you suppose gives Stephen King nightmares?
What is a 'free' gift? Aren't all gifts free?
What is the speed of dark?
What's another word for synonym?
What's another word for Thesaurus?
When cows laugh really hard, does milk come out their nose?
When you switch off the light, where do all the photons go?
When you're sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
Where does the fire go when the fire goes out?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an 's' in it?
Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered? (Woody Allen)
Why are there 5 syllables in the word 'monosyllabic'?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets anyways?
Why do banks charge you a 'non-sufficient funds fee' when they already know you don't have any?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to 'cure' it?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Why does lemon juice contain 'artificial ingredients' but dishwashing liquid contains 'real lemons'?
Why doesn't DOS ever say 'EXCELLENT command or file name'?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, its called cargo?
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not adore?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?


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Unread postby Angoid » April 29th, 2005, 7:42 am

And one for the gardeners, being as it's that time of the year:

Q: How can you tell whether that object growing in your garden is a valuable plant or a weed?
A: Pull on it. If it comes out easily then it's a valuable plant but if it doesn't budge then it's a weed.
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Unread postby Bertha » April 29th, 2005, 7:45 am

Hey Angoid,

Nice little question there,

It sums the garden up at my house perfectly

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Unread postby Angoid » April 29th, 2005, 8:21 am

And another one:

If it sits in the living room doing nothing, then you either married it or gave birth to it.
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Unread postby Angoid » April 29th, 2005, 8:26 am

If 'Q' were castrated, would he become 'O'?

:lol:
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Unread postby Nellie2 » April 29th, 2005, 5:47 pm

Here are two that I'm using on other boards

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

Life would be much easier if I had the source code.


And then there are a couple of quotes by Issac Asimov that I rather like

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

Part of the inhumanity of the computer is that, once it is competently programmed and working smoothly, it is completely honest.
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Unread postby Angoid » May 2nd, 2005, 3:02 am

To err is human, but to foul things up completely requires a computer.

There are no dumb questions, but there are thousands of inquisitive idiots.

"Why use one utensil when three will do?" (a friend's mother's motto)

"A Phil filled full is a fulfilled Phil" (a friend's motto after having eaten a good meal)
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Unread postby Bertha » May 11th, 2005, 5:08 am

Hey,

Here's some more qoutes

The worlds gone mad
And Ive lost touch


What tempts us to throw a penny of a building?


Are you a cheat if you admit to cheating?


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Unread postby Angoid » May 11th, 2005, 8:20 am

One we had at my old company:

If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing half a job.
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Unread postby Bertha » May 11th, 2005, 8:22 am

Here's one I like

I only I had tred hard at skool I wud not be here


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Unread postby Angoid » May 12th, 2005, 7:28 am

And a few that a friend e-mailed me only this morning:

  • Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
  • If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
  • If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
  • Never buy a car you can't push.
  • Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
  • Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
  • The second mouse gets the cheese.
  • When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
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