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Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby blackmirror » October 4th, 2008, 5:34 am

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”

“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit?” she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-Two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22″ was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.” the officer asks.

“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby arie » October 5th, 2008, 7:42 pm

Nice one Blackmirror!

Before marriage....

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get.
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!

After marriage....
Simply read from bottom to top

Have fun!
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby chryssi2001 » October 6th, 2008, 2:44 am

Unusually funny :lol:
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby blackmirror » October 6th, 2008, 5:37 am

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming...
Damn, What a ride!!

:D :bounce:
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby Wingman » October 6th, 2008, 4:57 pm

I like that!!! :cheers:
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby blackmirror » October 6th, 2008, 5:00 pm

Think a new sig is on the cards as i like that a lot :lol:
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby blackmirror » October 9th, 2008, 7:08 am

The extent of the current financial crisis

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Following the problems with Lehmann Bros and in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock, HBOS and Bradford & Bingley in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.

In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

While Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop, and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal


:bounce: :lol:

Thanks to Oldie :D
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby Carolyn » October 9th, 2008, 4:02 pm

The Treasury released the new US Dollar bill today

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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby Bio-Hazard » October 9th, 2008, 4:05 pm

Carolyn thats a good one!!!
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby chryssi2001 » October 10th, 2008, 2:01 am

Very nice one Carolyn indeed, these days it's the proper new $ bill :lol:
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby blackmirror » October 15th, 2008, 11:13 am

For Coffee Drinkers: You know you are addicted to coffee if ...

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

You sleep with your eyes open.

You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

You chew on other people's fingernails.

The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.

You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

You can jump-start your car without cables.

You don't sweat, you percolate.

You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

People get dizzy just watching you.

Instant coffee takes too long.

You channel surf faster without a remote.

You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

You short out motion detectors.

You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

You help your dog chase its tail.

You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

You ski uphill.

You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

You answer the door before people knock.

You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby muppy03 » October 20th, 2008, 5:47 am

Horrific accident - Truck rolled over on the F3‏


















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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby blackmirror » October 20th, 2008, 6:08 am

There's three guys and they're out having a relaxing day fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish. One of the guys just doesn't believe it, and says: OK, if you can really grant wishes, then double my I.Q."
The mermaid says: "Done."
Suddenly, the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it with extreme insight.
The second guy is so amazed he says to the mermaid: "Triple my I.Q."
The mermaid says: "Done."
The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping all the scientists of varying fields: physics, chemistry, etc.
The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends, that he says to the mermaid: Quintuple my I.Q."
The mermaid looks at him and says: "You know, I normally don't try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really wish you'd reconsider."
The guy says: "Nope, I want you to increase my I.Q. times five and if you don't do it, I won't set you free."
"Please," says the mermaid "You don't know what you're asking...it'll change your entire view on the universe...won't you ask for something else...a million dollars, anything?"
But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his I.Q. increased by five times it's usual power. So the mermaid sighed and said: "Done."
And he became a woman.
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby chryssi2001 » October 20th, 2008, 7:41 am

hehe both enjoyable :lol:
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby turtledove » October 20th, 2008, 12:07 pm

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Good one :D
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