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Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby chryssi2001 » September 25th, 2008, 3:26 pm

haha very good :lol:
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby arie » September 25th, 2008, 7:24 pm

Very nice Blackmirror!

THE BOSS? nothing, nought, exactly!

A man wanted to buy his son a parrot as a birthday present. The next day he went to the pet shop and saw three identical parrots in a cage. He asked the clerk, "how much for the parrot on the right? The owner said it was $300. "$300.", the man said. "Well what does he do? "He knows how to use all of the functions of Microsoft Office 2000, responds the clerk. "He can do all of your spreadsheets and type all of your letters." The man then asked what the second parrot cost. The clerk replied, $600, but he not only knows Office 2000, but is an expert computer programmer.
Finally, the man inquired about the cost of the last parrot. The clerk replied, "$1200." Curious as to how a bird can cost $1200, the man asked what this bird's specialty was. The clerk replies, "Well to be honest I haven't seen him do anything. But the other two call him "BOSS"!!

HAVE FUN!
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby MikeSwim07 » September 25th, 2008, 7:39 pm

Nice one!
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby chryssi2001 » September 26th, 2008, 12:55 am

:lol: :lol:
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby blackmirror » September 26th, 2008, 5:39 am

Rules for life
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are;

- You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.

If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the Duct Tape.

- Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

- Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

- If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

- And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan

:lol:
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby Wingman » September 26th, 2008, 4:08 pm

Blonde In The Coffee Shop
A blonde grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop.
She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order.
"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" the blonde asked.
The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."
"Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief. "Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby chryssi2001 » September 27th, 2008, 3:03 am

Let me guess, pure blonde? Really funny! :lol: :lol:

I am blond by the way :lol: :lol:
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby Gary R » September 27th, 2008, 4:34 am

40 degrees:
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Scotland sunbathe.

35 degrees:
Italian cars won't start.
People in Scotland drive with the windows down.

20 degrees:
Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wool hats.
People in Scotland throw on a T-shirt.

15 degrees:
Californians begin to evacuate the state.
People in Scotland go swimming in the sea.

0 degrees:
New York landlords turn the heat on.
People in Scotland have a last barby before it gets cold.

-10 degrees:
People in Miami are extinct.
People in Scotland lick flagpoles.

-20 degrees:
Californians all now live in Mexico.
People in Scotland throw on a light jacket.

-80 degrees:
Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic.
Scottish Boy Scouts postpone winter survival exercise until it gets cold enough.

-100 degrees:
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
People in Scotland wear a vest and pull down their ear flaps.

-173 degrees:
Ethyl alcohol freezes.
People in Scotland are angry 'cos they can't thaw their whisky kegs.

-297 degrees:
Microbial life starts to grind to a halt.
Scottish cows complain of farmers with cold hands.

-460 degrees:
ALL atomic motion stops.
People in Scotland start saying " A bit hill billy ... eh? "

-500 degrees:
Hell freezes over.
Scottish people support England in the World Cup
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby blackmirror » September 27th, 2008, 5:49 am

Investment Advice.

If you had purchased £1000 of Northern Rock stock one year ago, it would be
worth £4.95 today.

With HBOS, you would have £16.50 left of the original £1000.

With XL Leisure, you would have less than a fiver.

And if you had purchased £1000 of Seguro Air Lines stock, you would have a
measly 49p.

However, if you had purchased £1000 worth of Tennent's Lager one year ago,
drank the lot of it, then re-cycled the cans at an aluminium plant for a
cash refund, you would have £214.

And so, based on the above information, the best current investment advice
is to drink heavily and recycle. :lol: :lol:


Hmm she thinks if only Lambrini came in cans :) :drunken:

Drink in moderation please a little of what you fancy doesnt hurt :)
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby blackmirror » September 28th, 2008, 6:24 am

A Teenager is...

A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.

A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.

A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday.

Someone who can hear a song by Madonna played three blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.

A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed.

A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam and 12 hours for her driver's license.

A youngster who is well informed about anything he doesn't have to study.

An enthusiast who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.

A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and Very Loud.

A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother.

A person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a rock concert.

A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.

A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.

A boy who can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects the lawn needs mowing.

An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby blackmirror » September 28th, 2008, 6:27 am

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said,
"Who owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do. Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces,
"Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?"

The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know -
you left your Injun running..."

:lol:
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby Wingman » September 28th, 2008, 10:02 am

Types of computer viruses

Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does.

Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years.

Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer.

Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network.

Dan Quayle virus: Simplye addse ane ee toe everye worde youe typee..

David Duke virus: Makes your screen go completely white.

Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

George Bush virus: Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until November.

Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Jerry Brown virus: Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 number.

Madonna virus: If your computer gets this virus, lock up your dog!

Mario Cuomo virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

Michael Jackson virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.

New World Order virus: probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

Nike virus: Just Does It!

Ollie North virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder.

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

Pat Buchanan virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.

Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:.

Paul Tsongas virus: Pops up on December 25 and says, "I'm not Santa Claus."

PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.

Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".

Richard Nixon virus: Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus", you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback.

Right To Life virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.

Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened.

Ted Turner virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

Terry Randle virus: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.

Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

UK Parliament virus: Splits the screen into two with a message in each half blaming other side for the state of the system.

Warren Commission virus: Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby arie » October 1st, 2008, 6:21 pm

:cheers: VERY NICE WINGMAN :cheers:

Hoohoo?

True Story from Houston Medical Center

A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his Hoohoo.

According to the Nurse attending, the patient's girl friend found the
Ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his hoohoo while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:

1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your hoohoo.
3) Or finding out your hoohoo fits through your wedding ring.


Have fun!
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby flashh4 » October 3rd, 2008, 6:08 pm

Howdy guys, thought mabe someone would get a chuckle out of these !!


These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word , taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these
exchanges were actually taking place.



ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honour, I think I need a different
attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to
rephrase that?

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh.....are you qualified to ask that question?

And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law.

:lol:
Chuck
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby chryssi2001 » October 4th, 2008, 1:11 am

Nice ones Chuck :lol:
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