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Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby eXaByTe » July 18th, 2008, 12:03 pm

Gary R wrote:THE THREE BEARS

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful
morning...

Baby Bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots?

It was Mummy Bear who got up first.
It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house.
It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.
It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.
It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen.
It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold, early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants.
It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.
It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....

I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET!!!


I don't think that's the original story... ;)


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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby chryssi2001 » July 18th, 2008, 2:20 pm

eXaByTe wrote:I don't think that's the original story... ;)
-eXaByTe


No that's Gary's version of the story, and as always a good one :lol: :lol:
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby GGiTzKevin » July 19th, 2008, 4:25 pm

I don't remember where I heard this one but it was pretty funny the first time I heard it:

Why did the man get fired from the banana factory?

Answer: Because he threw out all the curved ones.

(highlight the answer)
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby MikeSwim07 » July 19th, 2008, 4:48 pm

LOL :D :lol:
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby chryssi2001 » July 19th, 2008, 5:02 pm

Nice one :lol: :lol:
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby MikeSwim07 » July 19th, 2008, 5:07 pm

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

Answer hidden: "BREATHE YOU IDIOT, BREATHE!"
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby turtledove » July 19th, 2008, 7:31 pm

:lol: :lol:
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby GGiTzKevin » July 19th, 2008, 7:37 pm

Nice one :D
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby chryssi2001 » July 20th, 2008, 2:03 am

:lol: :lol:
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby MikeSwim07 » July 20th, 2008, 8:06 am

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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby Wingman » July 20th, 2008, 4:06 pm

Occupational hazard
I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number 3 of the accident reporting form, I put "trying to do the job alone" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully, and I trust that the following details will be sufficient:

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of brick left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which, fortunately, was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tight to ensure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note, in block number 11 of the accident reporting form, that I weigh 135 pounds.

Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom broke out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately fifty pounds.

I refer you again to my weight in the accident reporting form, block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounted for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations on my legs and lower body.

The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks, and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel six stories above me...I again lost my presence of mind...and let go of the rope!
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby Odd dude » July 21st, 2008, 5:26 am

Goodness :o
Another job I will carefully avoid :lol:
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby MikeSwim07 » July 21st, 2008, 10:30 am

A man takes his hamster to the vet, and after a short look at the creature the vet pronounces it dead. Not happy with the vet's diagnosis the man asks for a second opinion. The vet gives a whistle and in strolls a Labrador dog. The dog nudges the hamster around with its nose and sniffs it a couple of times before shaking his head. "There" says the vet,” Your hamster is dead". Still not happy the man asks for a third opinion. The vet opens the back door and in bounds a cat. The cat jumps onto the table and looks the hamster up and down for a few minutes before looking up and shaking it's head. "It's definitely dead sir", says the vet. Convinced, the man enquires how much he owes. "That will be £1000, please". "A £1000 just to tell me my hamster is dead" fumes the man. "Well", says the vet, "There's my diagnosis, the lab report and the cat scan".
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby chryssi2001 » July 21st, 2008, 12:31 pm

:lol: :lol:
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby turtledove » July 21st, 2008, 12:46 pm

"There's my diagnosis, the lab report and the cat scan".

That's a good one... :D
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