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Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby Basementgeek » March 31st, 2008, 12:26 pm

After being married for 40 years, I still don't understand the wife's thought process, I just accept it. :D

BG
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby JamesHetfield » April 1st, 2008, 5:33 pm

Lol is that a joke or a fact? Could it be both? :D :joker: :pirate: :cheers:
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby blackmirror » April 2nd, 2008, 8:07 am

Dog Pack Attacks Gator In Louisiana.


At times nature can be cruel, but there is also a raw beauty, and even a certain justice manifested within that cruelty.

The alligator, one of the oldest and ultimate predators, normally considered the 'apex predator', can still fall victim to implemented 'team work' strategy, made possible due to the tight knit social structure and 'survival of the pack mentality' bred into the canines.

See the remarkable photograph courtesy of Nature Magazine. Note that the Alpha dog has a muzzle hold on the gator preventing it from breathing, while another dog has a hold on the tail to keep it from thrashing. The third dog attacks the soft underbelly of the gator.

Not for the squeamish... :shock:













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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby Dakeyras » April 2nd, 2008, 11:27 am

Good one bm :thumbup:.
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby blackmirror » April 2nd, 2008, 11:29 am

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, Mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Mama!"

"Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, Mama," wept the daughter. "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"

"Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset....Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!"
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby Black_Dragon » April 19th, 2008, 9:28 pm

A young unmarried girl discovers that she is pregnant. Scared, She confides this ' news' to her mother.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did This to you?

I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature And distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.


He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the Girl, and
tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the Problem.
However, I can't marry her because of my personal family Situation, but
I'll take responsibility. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail
stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a
boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000
bank account.

If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However,

If there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly
on the man's shoulder and tells him,................
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."You can try again :?: :roll:
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby blackmirror » April 21st, 2008, 4:02 am

World's shortest fairy tale

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Once upon-a-time a young man asked a young girl, "Will you marry me?"
The young girl replied, "NO!"

And so, the young man lived happily ever after, went fishing, shooting, played golf, went out with his mates, drank beer and fa*ted whenever he felt like it.

The End :D
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby Dakeyras » April 24th, 2008, 6:10 am

I'm not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams but I had a close call yesterday. I walked into B&Q DIY at lunchtime and some fella dressed in a black shirt with an orange apron on asked me if I wanted decking.

Fortunately, I got the first punch in and sorted him out. Those less suspecting might not be so lucky.

Spread this warning on ;) .
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby blackmirror » April 24th, 2008, 6:12 am

Dakeyras wrote:I'm not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams but I had a close call yesterday. I walked into B&Q DIY at lunchtime and some fella dressed in a black shirt with an orange apron on asked me if I wanted decking.

Fortunately, I got the first punch in and sorted him out. Those less suspecting might not be so lucky.

Spread this warning on ;) .


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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby Dino » April 29th, 2008, 8:54 am

For those who knows a bit of SQL.

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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby Bio-Hazard » April 29th, 2008, 11:07 am

Dakeyras wrote:I'm not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams but I had a close call yesterday. I walked into B&Q DIY at lunchtime and some fella dressed in a black shirt with an orange apron on asked me if I wanted decking.

Fortunately, I got the first punch in and sorted him out. Those less suspecting might not be so lucky.

Spread this warning on ;) .


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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby flashh4 » May 2nd, 2008, 10:12 am

Howdy, you need a few chuckles !! Enjoy :roll:

Hope some are not offended by the language or hints !!

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.'

**********************************

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

**********************************

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

**********************************



An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

**********************************

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he! Didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.’

**********************************

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment, 'Where's my toast ?'

**********************************

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

'So I hear you're getting married?'

'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'

'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'

'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

'I don't know.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'

**********************************

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

**********************************

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty.'

**********************************

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

**********************************

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.

Chuck
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby blackmirror » May 2nd, 2008, 10:26 am

flashh4 wrote:
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.

Chuck
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby blackmirror » May 3rd, 2008, 7:54 am

Stress removal




Picture yourself near a stream.

Birds are chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air.

Nothing can bother you here.

No one knows this secret place.

You are in total seclusion from that place called the world.


The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.





The water is so clear that you can easily make out the face of the person whose head you are holding under the water.

There now.......feeling better? :D
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby Sharagoz » May 14th, 2008, 3:42 am

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared.
The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The Genie said, “Nope, sorry three-wish genies are a story-tale myth. I’m a one-wish genie. So…what’ll it be?”
The woman didn’t hesitate. She said, “I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other.
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, “Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for centuries and I’m out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I’m good but not THAT good. Make another wish.”

After a minutes contemplation the woman said, “Well, I’ve never been able to find the right man. You know, one that’s considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the house cleaning, is GREAT in bed and gets along with my family, doesn’t watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That’s what I wish for… a good man.”
The Genie thought about it for about 5 seconds, sighed and then said: “Let me see that damn map again"
Last edited by Sharagoz on May 14th, 2008, 5:08 am, edited 1 time in total.
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