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Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby Vino Rosso » January 30th, 2008, 6:01 pm

One for Scotty...

A small zoo in Glasgow acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Boaby McKay, a local lad & part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Boaby, like many Glasgow folk, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Boaby was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for £500 ? Boaby showed some interest but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:

1. "First", Boaby said, "Ah'm no gonnae kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

2. "Second", he said, "Ye cannae never tell naebdy aboot this." The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

3. "Third", Boaby said, "I want any weans raised as cell'ic fans." Once again it was agreed.

4. "And last of all", Boaby stated, "You'll need to gie me another week to come up with the £500"
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby Dakeyras » January 31st, 2008, 5:36 am

Good one Vino :lol:.
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby andyspeake » February 16th, 2008, 9:04 pm

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby Bio-Hazard » February 17th, 2008, 6:08 am

andyspeake wrote:My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."


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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby Jason Ess » February 17th, 2008, 7:11 pm

:P

Heres one:
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. “I can’t leave,” the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.” The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?” the victim asks. “He says you’re gonna die.”
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby blackmirror » February 21st, 2008, 9:05 am

Introducing FeMail!

This new product will reduce your communications needs considerably. Its intuitive interactions will often leave you scratching your head in wonder. From your minimal communications with this package, it will quickly presume who your friends are (and even what their habits are), who you should be communicating with in order to advance your career, and let you know continually whether you are communicating effectively with the FeMail itself.

You may find that FeMail reduces your unecessary communications with friends and associates. Your FeMail will intercept incoming communications from all sources and make a determination as to whether or not they should be relayed to you. The FeMail is especially thorough when examining messages from other FeMail systems. These messages will be examined for intent as well as content.

Messages that are received from other Mails will be scanned for intention by your FeMail. Any messages that will reduce your productivity at home or at the office (invitations to bars or parties, where the FeMail may lose contact with you for more than two hours for example) will be delivered to you only after they can no longer be acted upon. A true productivity increase is then possible, and your FeMail will even help your decide how to use this spare time to attend to maintenance issues.

In fact, you may find that the FeMail methods are far beyond your comprehension. Often times the FeMail responses you receive will be 180 degrees different than the direction you thought you were heading. In every case though, you will be compelled to agree with the decisions that your FeMail makes. Most areas where a FeMail is installed find that agreeing with the FeMail is easier than attempting to justify opposing logic.

The FeMail package includes modules for Cognitive Interpretation, Intuition, Presumptions, Innuendos (even some you may not realize), Inflection, and Encryption. (The encryption package is particularly effective, allowing other mails absolutely no chance of interpreting interchanges between two FeMails).

You will find yourself becoming dependent on the interactions that a FeMail makes possible. Once the FeMail begins working in your daily activities, you may find yourself changing certain actions to avoid conflicting with the FeMail suggestions.

The FeMail is extremely comprehensive, and provides only for a single user interface in most cases. The instructions included with your FeMail indicates that it may interact openly with other Mails in a conversational mode, but that you should never interact with someone elses FeMail, even in a conversational mode, and most certainly not in an interactive mode. The FeMail communications links have demonstrated an ability to intuit these actions even if you believe your FeMail would be unaware of the interaction. Continued interaction with FeMails that are not your own will be considered a security violation, and you may find yourself cutoff from interaction with your own FeMail.

Because of the complexity and high-level of interface required, there are certain times (based roughly on a lunar month) when your FeMail system may behave erratically. During this particular cycle, your interactions with the FeMail should be monitored closely, and offensive or interpretive language removed. The FeMail may misinterpret even simple communications efforts during this short time. This is an unavoidable problem that the FeMail has endured since its inception, and we are still attempting to overcome this minor glitch.

Should a misinterpretation occur, your FeMail will store the data indefinitely, and only recall the misinterpretation when it can loosely associate it with other facts not necessarily related to the communications process. You will find these recollections and associations puzzling, but they all contribute to the operation of the FeMail system.

Obtain Femail today, and you will be surprised at the changes it will make in your life!!!
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby Jason Ess » February 21st, 2008, 4:12 pm

Hahaha, nice one blackmirror, I'll sign up for it now lol. :D
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby Katana » February 23rd, 2008, 8:27 am

CAUTION !!!! ....

The FeMail software is poorly programmed.
It is incompatible with the vast majority of standard Mail programs due to its liberal use of Chaos Coding.
Basic functions such as adding 2+2 often give the result 5 or 6.
Once installed it is EXTREMELY difficult to remove. System restore does NOT function with FeMail
Removal frequently results in the loss and/or destruction of vital system components.

Because of the complexity and high-level of interface required, there are certain times (based roughly on a lunar month) when your FeMail system may behave erratically.


This bug can be effectively reduced by installing the E.Primrose package.
Please note however, it is not a one off install and needs to be updated regularly.
Failure to install the latest updates can be catastrophic.

Hmmm ...... very much like the FeMail system itself which requires regular addons to keep functioning.

Conclusion.
Whilst FeMail has a pleasing GUI, it is overall an expensive product that rarely functions as required or expected.
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby blackmirror » February 23rd, 2008, 11:10 am

Male and Female

SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

TYRE: Male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it. . . and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES: Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGE: Female, because it is always getting hit on.

SHOE: Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out. :bounce:

COPIER: Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed. :D

ZIPLOC BAGS: Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER: Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around. :twisted:

REMOTE CONTROL: Female. . . Ha!. . . you thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

:D
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby blackmirror » February 23rd, 2008, 11:11 am

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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby Basementgeek » February 29th, 2008, 8:44 pm

Red Skelton on Marriage (American comic back in the 50-60's)

MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a
little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays

2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere.....
but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our
anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"
she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands.
If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric
bread maker.
She said "There are too many gadgets and no place
to sit down!" .. So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because
there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late
for the garbage?" .... The driver said "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked "What's on the TV?"
I said "Dust!"

BG
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby ktreffin » March 13th, 2008, 8:55 pm

Man, I miss Red Skelton. He was probably one of the funniest comedians that could make people laugh without using a plethora of four letter words. Thanks for posting that basementgeek.
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby blackmirror » March 31st, 2008, 10:21 am

A Womans brain
Image



Every one of those little blue balls is a thought about something that needs to be done,
a decision or a problem that needs to be solved.

A man, of course, has only 2 and they take up all his thoughts. :D
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby ChrisRLG » March 31st, 2008, 11:15 am

No wonder we can never understand you lot.
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby Bio-Hazard » March 31st, 2008, 11:18 am

ChrisRLG wrote:No wonder we can never understand you lot.



That is so true :D :D :D
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