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Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby ndmmxiaomayi » December 4th, 2007, 1:55 pm

12 days of Christmas AOL style

On the twelfth day of AOL those buttheads gave to me,

12 reasons to cancel,
11 channels not working,
10 hours without mail,
9 frozen chat rooms,
8 hours of busy signals,
7 frozen IMs,
6 disconnections,
5 web crashes,
4 idiots at tech help,
3 error messages,
2 pieces of junk mail,
and a jerk cursing in a chat room.
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby Dakeyras » December 5th, 2007, 5:05 pm

That made myself laugh ndmmxiaomayi :lol: .
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby NonSuch » December 6th, 2007, 6:21 pm

Good one, Mayi, and all too true! :D
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby BHowett » December 16th, 2007, 4:00 pm

Are Computers Men or Women?

A language teacher was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.
"House" in French, is feminine -"la maison," "Pencil" in French, is masculine "le crayon."

One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?" The teacher did not know, and the word was not in her French dictionary.

So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because

  • No one but their creator understands their internal logic
  • The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else
  • Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review
  • As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheque on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine "le computer") because:

  • In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
  • They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves
  • They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem
  • As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer you could have gotten a better model.
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby chryssi2001 » December 16th, 2007, 4:48 pm

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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby GameMaster » December 23rd, 2007, 10:01 am

Haha great joke!!

You have an Internet addiction when . . .You kiss your girlfriend's home page.

A VRML virtual walk through a park is your idea of a good date.

Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.

All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3.

And even your night dreams are in HTML.

You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au

Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.

You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.

You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.

Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

All of your friends have an @ in their names.

When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.

Your dog has its own home page.

Your dog's homepage is actually good.

You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.

You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.

You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

You get a tatoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 2.01or higher."

You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP...because you never log off.

The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.

You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby Dakeyras » December 23rd, 2007, 10:32 am

GameMaster wrote:You have an Internet addiction when . .

That made myself :lol: and neither agreeing or disagreeing concerning myself ;) .
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby Drewcat » December 23rd, 2007, 11:39 am

You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.


I have been pondering for years inventing such a thing. I think I could make mils. Plus I really want one! :king:
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby GameMaster » December 23rd, 2007, 12:13 pm

Haha! I think I should be ashamed cuz my joke has been taken seriously lol
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby suresh » January 13th, 2008, 10:48 pm

There is a trampoline and a pool. As you jump of the trampoline in to the pool you make a wish and it comes true. There are 3 friends who find out about it so the next day they go there. The first guy jumps from the trampoline and says "make me a millionare" so he get a million dollars. The second guy jumps and says "I wanna be strong" and become strong. The the third guy goes for it and slips and says "crap".
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby Basementgeek » January 16th, 2008, 1:20 am

I found these to be funny.....

CHUCKLES FOR MATURE COUPLES AND OTHERS ....


My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn't.
------------------------------------------------------ ----------------

Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
For Sale :
Wedding dress, size 8.
Worn once by mistake.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but
when they go, they take your house and car.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove
seemed way too qualified for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual
experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.? "I've
been divorced three times."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can
remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me
the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation,
"I now pronounce you man and wife."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
All the DNA is the same.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the
check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into
the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?

-------------------------------------------------------------------
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife
were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young man,
we're both 90 years old," the husband said "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

T he reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate
to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father
escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom;
the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the
priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave
him back his credit card.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and
get used to the idea.

--------------------------------------------------------------- ---------

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and
congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader,
and a great family man."

Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a
wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?" < S style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold" PAN>
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every ev en ing, she goes to Larry's bar
and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy.
What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me,
exactly where is Larry's bar?"

-------------------------------------------------------------------

John was on his death bed and gasped pitifully.
"Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and
I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to
her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I
spoke to her on the phone for three hours.
You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,
"Take the poison."

BG
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby Alander » January 21st, 2008, 3:04 pm

Supermarket Surroundsound/scent

The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby chryssi2001 » January 22nd, 2008, 2:06 am

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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby turn 5 » January 23rd, 2008, 4:39 pm

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.


I wouldn't ether especially if they had a beef sale the week before.
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Re: Jokes - Please add yours to this topic

Unread postby Drewcat » January 24th, 2008, 12:25 pm

Hmm

Seems to me where milk and eggs come from don't smell like hay and bacon & eggs. I think you're mistaking where the toilet paper section is.

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