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Unread postby ChrisRLG » December 20th, 2004, 9:43 am

A 4-year-old boy who was asked to return thanks before

Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in

expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his

friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for

Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his

aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food.

He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the

cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip.

Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited. After a

long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and

asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm

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Unread postby ChrisRLG » December 20th, 2004, 9:43 am

A mother was teaching her three-year-old The Lord's Prayer.

For several evenings at bedtime, the child repeated it after

the mother. Then one night the child was ready to solo.

The mother listened with pride to the carefully enunciated

words, right up to the end. "And lead us not into temptation,

but deliver us some e-mail . . . "
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Unread postby ChrisRLG » December 20th, 2004, 9:43 am

A desperate young mother had two incorrigible boys. Having

exhausted all suggestions for controlling the little hellions,

she tried one last approach: she took them to the meanest

preacher in town for a lecture.

First the older boy was admitted into the stern minister's study.

Glaring at the boy from behind the desk, the preacher waited a

few moments, then challenged the boy: "Young man, where

is God?"

The boy was stunned to silence.

The preacher rose part way out of his chair and repeated the

question: "I asked you, Where Is God?"

The boy began to quake with dread .... this was no ordinary

lecture for being bad!

Stepping around from behind the desk, the impassioned preacher

now shouted his question, "WHERE IS GOD!?"

At this, the boy leaped from his chair and bolted out the door,

running headlong into his little brother.

"What's wrong? What's the matter?" his brother asked.

"It's awful! The church has LOST GOD and they're BLAMING US!
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Unread postby ChrisRLG » December 20th, 2004, 9:43 am

The congregation liked their new clergyman, but were

somewhat puzzled by his speaking style. His first sermon ran

only 8 minutes; the second Sunday he spoke for 45 minutes;

the third week he rattled on for an hour-and-a-half.

That was enough for the Board to summon him for a little


To their relief, the preacher had a ready explanation. "The

Saturday before the first sermon, I had my teeth pulled and

my mouth was still terribly sore. But, by the time a week had

gone by, I'd gotten used to my new dentures."

Here the minister paused, and blushed deeply. "And as for

last Sunday, well, I'm afraid that I picked up my wife's set of

teeth by mistake!"
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Unread postby ChrisRLG » December 20th, 2004, 9:44 am

Not a joke and from 3 years ago :-
> If we could shrink the earth's population to a village of precisely 100
> people, with all the existing human ratios remaining the same, it would
> look something like the following:
> There would be:
> 57 Asians
> 21 Europeans
> 14 from the Western Hemisphere, both north and south
> 8 Africans
> 52 would be female
> 48 would be male
> 70 would be non-white
> 30 would be white
> 70 would be non-Christian
> 30 would be Christian
> 89 would be heterosexual
> 11 would be homosexual
> 6 people would possess 59% of the entire world's wealth and all would be
> from the United States.
> 80 would live in substandard housing
> 70 would be unable to read
> 50 would suffer from malnutrition
> 1 would be near death; 1 would be near birth
> 1 (yes, only 1) would have a college education
> 1 would own a computer
> The following are also thought-provoking...
> If you woke up this morning with more health than illness...you are more
> blessed than the million who will not survive this week.
> If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of
> imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation - you are
> ahead of 500 million people in the world.
> If you can attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest,
> torture, or death...you are more blessed than three billion people in the
> world.
> If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof
> overhead
> and a place to sleep...you are richer than 75% of this world.
> If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish
> someplace ... you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy.
> If your parents are still alive and still married ... you are very rare,
> even in the United States and Canada.
> If you can read this message, you just received a double blessing then
> over two billion people in the world that cannot read at all.
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Unread postby ChrisRLG » December 20th, 2004, 9:45 am

The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., the bad spelling stayed in.)

In the first book of the Bible, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark.

Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.

Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

The greatest miracle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.
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Unread postby ChrisRLG » December 20th, 2004, 9:45 am

This I got from the internet - I know not where from now - so no link.


Water or Coke?

We all know that water is important but I've never seen it written down like this before. (From the internet).


1. 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated.(Likely applies to half world population)
2. In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is often mistaken for hunger.
3. Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as much as 3%.
4. One glass of water will shut down midnight hunger pains for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a U-Washington study.
5. Lack of water, the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.
6. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.
7. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a printed page.
8. Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer.

Are you drinking the amount of water you should every day?


1. In many states (in the USA) the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the truck to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.
2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it will be gone in two days.
3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous China.
4. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a rumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.
5. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.
6. To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.
7. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze
from your windshield.
8. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4days. Phosphoric acid also leaches calcium from bones and is a major contributor to the rising increase in osteoporosis.
9. To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use the Hazardous material place cards reserved for Highly corrosive materials.
10. The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years!

Now the question is, would you like a glass of water or Coke?
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Unread postby rstones12 » February 1st, 2005, 9:48 pm

ChrisRLG wrote:Words that don't exist... But should :D

AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, or running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow remove all the germs.

ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

Copied from a post by Micah_6:8 at http://www.tomcoyote.org )

Those are "SNIGLETS" :D
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Unread postby Jacee » February 2nd, 2005, 10:04 pm

Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman:

" And what do you think is
the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.

She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

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Unread postby ChrisRLG » February 6th, 2005, 3:12 pm

A Joke For a Ten Year Old. But be warned, the punch line is so
absolutely indescribably dreadfully abysmally awful, that no adult
should read it without being supervised by at least one child. Here

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were
swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called
Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed by sharks.

Finally Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish
I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large, mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted", and
lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian
immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed. Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old
mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he
begged to be changed back. It happened! What a miraculous thing! With
tears of joy in his tiny little prawn-eyes, Justin swam back to his
friends. But looking around the reef couldn't see his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to
the enemy and became a shark," came the reply.

Eager to put things right again, Justin set off to Christian's abode. As
he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend!
Come out and see me again!"

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the
enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back, "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed...
I've found Cod! I'm a prawn again, Christian".

(taken from an email from a friend - Malcolm - groan, thanks Malcolm)
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Unread postby ChrisRLG » February 11th, 2005, 5:09 am

Here is a true story someone found regarding exams at Cambridge University.
It seems that during an examination one day a bright young student popped up
and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog

Proctor: I beg your pardon?

Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.

Proctor: Sorry, no.

Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me
Cakes and Ale.

At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws
of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to
the section which read (rough translation from the Latin):

"Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale."

Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat
there, writing his examination and happily slurping away.

Three weeks later the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword
to the examination.

(taken with thanks from the email from 'Malcom')
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Unread postby Bertha » February 18th, 2005, 9:35 am

Not quite a joke but a poem I used to listen to when in Infant School (Reliving my childhood)

Please Mrs Butler

Please Mrs Butler
This boy Derek Drew
Keeps copying my work, Miss.
What shall I do?

Go and sit in the hall, dear.
Go and sit in the sink.
Take your books on the roof, my lamb.
Do whatever you think.

Please Mrs Butler
This boy Derek Drew
Keeps taking my rubber, Miss.
What shall I do?

Keep it in your hand, dear.
Hide it up your vest.
Swallow it if you like, love.
Do what you think best.

Please Mrs Butler
This boy Derek Drew
Keeps calling me rude names, Miss.
What shall I do?

Lock yourself in the cupboard, dear.
Run away to sea.
Do whatever you can, my flower.
But don't ask me!

Allan Ahlberg

Thanks to PoemHunter.com

Just a bit of fun.

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Unread postby Bertha » February 25th, 2005, 9:17 am

Just a quick joke before I have to go to me afternoon lecture (college):

Two gold fish in a bowl,
One says to the Other
Do you know how to drive this tank?

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Unread postby crunchie » March 6th, 2005, 12:22 pm

Two cannibals were dining on a comedian. One said to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
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Unread postby Mere_Mortal » March 12th, 2005, 1:43 am

I appologise in advance if you find this distasteful, but I like it :D

Queen Mother arrives at the Gates of Heaven, only to be greeted by Princess Dianna.

QM asks..."Is that a halo you have, Di?"

Di replies..."No, it's a steering wheel!"
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