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Unread postby Vino Rosso » December 11th, 2006, 4:30 pm

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said,
"you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.
You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,
"And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."

And So The Holiday Season Begins..
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Unread postby chryssi2001 » December 11th, 2006, 5:08 pm

:sign5:
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Unread postby MMJ » December 11th, 2006, 11:32 pm

What was he doing with them :P

Good one ;)
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Unread postby Gary R » December 12th, 2006, 4:01 am

Thought this was right for the season:

Thank You to all of ... My E-mail Friends

There is much to be thankful for during the Holiday Season, so of course we can take this time to appreciate and say "Thanks" to the many e-mails we receive from friends and family throughout the year.

Thanks to All of You –

I must add my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat **** in the glue on envelopes, cause I now have to get a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I want to thank you, who have taken the time and trouble to send me your chain letters over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola, learning it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi, or Dr Pepper, since the people who make these products are atheists, who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave, because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones, because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants, even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls, because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS, or FedEx, since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target, since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone, because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC, because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus, since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul, because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings, because I gave it to a sick girl, who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me, and I will now return the favor!

**If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 60 minutes, a large seagull with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM(EDT) this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur, because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician!

THANK YOU!!
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Unread postby Vino Rosso » December 12th, 2006, 4:24 am

And I thought it was just me Gary :lol:
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Unread postby MMJ » December 12th, 2006, 6:19 am

:shock: :shock:

That wouldn't have been so funny if it wasn't so true!!!

Good one. :lol:
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Unread postby hammer51 » December 12th, 2006, 5:17 pm

Two cows and two bulls in a field. This huge gust of wind comes and blow the cows over. As they pick themselves up they ask the bulls why they didn't get blown over, the bulls replied "We bulls wobble but we don't fall over."
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Unread postby hammer51 » December 12th, 2006, 5:37 pm

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before the crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified.

The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
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Unread postby chryssi2001 » December 13th, 2006, 2:06 am

:P :P :P :P very very nice especially the 2ne one, still laughing :)
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Unread postby MMJ » December 13th, 2006, 5:31 am

:D :D :D

The second one was hilarious! :)
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Unread postby MMJ » January 26th, 2007, 5:06 am

Cute joke:

THE MOMMY TEST

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

"Why?" my daughter asked.

"Because it's been laying outside, you don't know now where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"

"Uh,"...I was thinking quickly,â€
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Unread postby Fred Flintstone » March 3rd, 2007, 11:29 am

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......
>
>
>
>
>
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k? :D :D

:roll:
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condom joke

Unread postby FAZ » March 7th, 2007, 12:31 am

condoms
~Sainsbury's flavoured condoms...making life taste better
~Tesco's condoms...every little helps
~Nike condoms...just do it
~Peugeot condoms- -The ride of your life
~New galaxy textured condoms...why have rubber when you can have silk?
~KFC condoms...they're finger licking good
~Malteser's condoms.... they melt in your mouth not in your hands
~Safeway's condoms...lightening the load
~Abbey national condoms...because life is complicated enough
~Andrex condoms...soft strong and very long
~Renault condoms...size really does matter!
~Polo condoms...the condom with the hole (very poor seller)
~Sure crystal condoms....unbeatable against white marks
~UGC cinema condoms.....coming soon
~Lynx condoms...because you never know when
~Gillete condoms....the best a man can get
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Unread postby FAZ » March 7th, 2007, 12:33 am

My girlfriend and I have been dating for two years, and we finally decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me ... and my girlfriend? She is a hottie! Every guy's dream - waits on me hand & foot and does me good in the bedroom! There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She is a career woman, smart, beautiful and sexy (much like Cindy), who sometimes flirts with me, which makes me feel uncomfortable.


One day last week, Cindy's mom called me and asked me to come over to check out the wedding invitations. So WTF, I went over there. She was alone and when I arrived and began whispering to me, "Steve, you are about to be married, and I have feelings and desires for you that I cannot overcome!" she went on to say, "Before you get married and committ your life to my daughter, I want to romp on your love stick ... just this once." OMG! ... what could I say? I was in total shock ... couldn't say a word; "l'll go to the bedroom and if you are up for it just come and do me."


I stood there for a moment, pressure building up in my pants, turned around and walked towards the front door. Opened it, stepped out of the house and headed for my car. Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, "We are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter - welcome to the family."


Moral of the story:
Always keep your condoms in your car!!!!
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Stupid questions

Unread postby FAZ » March 7th, 2007, 12:35 am

1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?

2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?

3. Why can't woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?

4. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say
"hi, my name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic"?

5. If you mated a Bulldog with a ****su would you get a Bull****?

6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?

8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries
have a use by date?

9. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?

10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think i'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

11. What do people in China call their good plates?

12. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

13. Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? They're both dogs.

14. What do you call male ballerinas?

15. Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?

16. If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesn't he buy his dinner?

17. Why is a person who handles money called a broker?

18. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

19. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?

20. If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong?

21. Why is it that when someone tells you that there's billions of stars in the universe,
you believe them. But if they tell you there's wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?

22. Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ass?

23. Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?
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